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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 18, 2012 7:00pm-7:30pm PDT

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great? i mean, romney clearly won. and, folks, i am not just saying that, i am saying that on tv. so if you're an undecided voter who did not watch, just trust me, it is 2 and 0. even though, even though, folks, the night was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater
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challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a good reason for that. he is going to be sitting on a bar stool and mitt romney is a mormon, so he doesn't spend a lot of time on bar stools, according to his aides, because he doesn't drink. >> colbert: yes. that is true. that is true. you should know that. only people who drink know how to sit on stools. that's why, whenever you see someone successfully sitting on one, that is an early sign of alcoholism. seek help!, please! >> the guy falling off the stool, that is your designated driver. and that is why last night's debate, i have to tell you, i mean, it was such a challenge for mitt. lack of stool experience. i mean, where would mitt have seen one? his kitchen counter? everyone knows the romney family eats standing at podiums.
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but once mitt managed to dock his butt with the international stool station, just like that, oh, then, then the candidates took their gloves off and everybody knows it. >> fight night at hofstra, a heated showdown. >> fighting, fieps city and fierce. >> led to head in a fierce fight. >> the debate turned into a fight on long island, i loved it. >> i loved it too, you crave the blood sports just look at them debate the president's commitment to oil exploration on federal lands. >> how much did you cut drilling on federal lands? >> i had a question and the question was how much did you cut them by? how much did you cut them by? >> ow! >> i cannot believe candy crowley let obama wield the fan bladed lurpa but i have to say
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she looked great with the new hair extensions. now, they talked about a lot of things but everybody knew that mitt had one ace in the hole, libya gate. >> romney and his running mate have been hammering the president over this coverup for weeks. americans are asking, what did the president know? when did the president know it? which one is libya? and last night, last night, mitt had obama in his sights. >> it was a terrorist attack. and it took a long time for that to be told to the american people, whether that was some misleading or instead whether we just didn't know what happened you have to ask yourself why didn't we know. >> the suggestion that anybody on my team, from the secretary of state, u.n. ambassador, anybody on my team would play politics or mislead when we lost four of our own, governor, is
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offensive. that is not what we do. that's not what i do as president, that is not what i do as commander in chief. >> colbert: okay, okay, obama landed a good punch, but then romney asked the president the question that would change everything. >> i think it is interesting the president just said something which, which is that on the day after the attack he went into the rose garden and said this was an act of terror. >> that's what i said. >> you said in the rose garden the day after the attack it was an act of terror. it was not a spontaneous demonstration? is that what you are saying. >> please proceed, governor.
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>> i want to make sure we get that for the record because it took the president 14 days before he called the attack in benghazi an act of terror. >> get the transcript. >> he did, in fact, sir. so let me call it an act of terror -- >> can you say that a little louder, candy? >> he did call it an act of terror. >> colbert: no, no, no, no, it is supposed to change everything the other way. are you okay? look, obama didn't actually say act of terror, did he, jim? >> no acts of terror will ever shake the resolve of this great nation. >> okay but acts of terror could refer to anything. i mean, how do we know he is talking about benghazi in that benghazi speech the day after the benghazi attacks? he could have been talking about beloved character actor ben gazzara because folksily tell you there is a scandal that he does not get more roles. what? gazzara is dead?
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happened on obama's watch. >> folks, that's true. that should have been mitt's moment of chest thumping dominance over the carcass of his opponent, and it would have been too if it hadn't been for that meddling moderator. >> did governor romney have two opponents on that stage. >> it was disgraceful what candy crowley did. >> she inserted her self again and again into this debate. >> colbert: candy stuck her nose into it in the wrong place. >> the problem was the time for fact checking is after the event, not during it. she made a gigantic mistake. >> colbert: yes!, yes! oh! i agree. we are all angry, yes! the time for fact checking is after the event, when voters have stopped watching. we should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy. and folks, it wasn't just the
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moderator who was turning the audience against mitt. so was the audience, with their stupid questions. right? >> and the questions. 11 questions asked in all, and some of which will certainly be discussed tomorrow. topics that we haven't heard much about at all in this presidential campaign. >> colbert: yeah. stupid voters. when you ask questions the candidate haven't heard before, how are they supposed to give the answers we have heard for months? and just listen to these crazy subjects! >> equal pay for women, in fact, there were a lot of women's issues discussed. some might argue it was obvious pandering to women. >> colbert: yeah, obviously, obvious, pandering. i agree with melvin kelley on this one. why, why are we talking, why are we talking about lady issues in the town hall? okay? save it
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for the sadie hawkins debate when the girls are supposed to do the asking. and that wasn't the only out of left field topic no one cares about. >> separate and apart from equal pay for women we heard a discussion about assault weapons bans. >> why are they bringing up assault weapons? not now is not the time to discuss gun control. we haven't had a mass shooting in almost 49 days. but mitt's answer, mitt's answer, folks, got to the root of our supposed gun problem. >> what i believe is we have to do as the president mentioned towards the end of his remarks there, which is to make enormous efforts to enforce the gun laws that we have and to change the culture of violence we have. but let me mention another thing. and that is parents. we need moms and dads helping raise kids. wherever possible the benefit of having two parents in the home, and that's not always possible. a lot of great single moms, single dads, but gosh to tell our kids that before they have
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babies they ought to think about getting married to someone, that is great idea. >> colbert: absolutely. absolutely, folks. the answer to gun violence is not getting rid of assault weapons it is a two parent home. because when a psychopath marchs into the mall in kevlar body armor, slowly lifting the laser sight of his ak 47 toward the sunglass hut, the only thing that will stop him from carnage is when he asks himself, what would mom and dad think? >> colbert: but for all of his triumph over the gotcha questions, the unfair unrares, the slightly taller chairs, none of that is how mitt won this one .. no, this fight was over before it began as fox trumpeted romney smokes obama in predebate coin tosses. >> yeah. romney smoked him.
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he won three out of four coin tosses. what are the odds? like one in a million? >> coin toss, always a huge part of the debates since the lincoln douglas rock paper scissors wendt on for hours without a winner they had to settle it and ended up flipping a penny and lincoln won by calling me! know the four flips that last night were to staging, order of questioning and spouses order of introduction. romney won the coin tosses the same way he is winning this election, by calling heads over and over again, then calling tails like he always has! folks, there is a good sign, folks, this is a good sign for romney's chances with undecided voters, because iffy point in the campaign you are still
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undecided, just flip a goddamn coin already. we will be right back.
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>> we are back, thank you folks, thank you, gentlemen. i have said it many times on this show, any dog can father a liter, but only alpha dog will
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deny it puppy support. it is time for my alpha dog of the week. this week alpha dog tennessee congressman scott desjarlais. this republican rottweiler is a staunch family values culture warrior whose web site says all life should be cherished and protected and recently described himself as a consistent supporter of pro-life values. now i have been very clear on where i stand on this divisive issue. and anyone who disagrees with me should be failed into a coffin full of spikes. >> well, desjarlais recently proved his flexibility by lifting his leg and peeing on his own position. >> a pro-life tennessee congressman caught on tape, republican representative and physician scott desjarlais had a relationship with a patient and she became pregnant. >> colbert: shocking. a conservative republican congressman was caught having an illicit affair and it wasn't with a man! woohoo! but folks
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this affair is not now desjarlais showed he has the swing sack to lead the alpha pack. representative scott desjarlais doesn't dispute a transcript of a recorded phone conversation in which he bears to urge the woman to terminate the pregnancy. during the conversation, desjarlais and the woman bickered back and forth about her getting an abortion with desjarlais at one point telling the woman, quote, you told me you would have an abortion. now -- >> colbert: before you judge, before you judge i said desjarlais's actions are absolutely consistent with his beliefs. he is still adamantly against abortion except when it endangers the political life of the father, but, folks that still is not like desjarlais is my alpha dog, no he is my alpha dog because he reportedly made the tape of the phone conversation himself to play for his wife, because he apparently thought it would help repair the
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marriage. >> ladies and gentlemen, the only way it could have been alpha ballsier is if he took his wife to a romantic seaside cottage and told her, honey, guess who i am no longer boning on this bed? but for some reason, his wife still divorced him. but, ladies, he is available! well, technically he is remarried, but that has never stopped him before! so, congressman desjarlais, for growling at abortion and then begging for it, you, sir, are my alpha dog of the week. we will be right back. ,x+ c4-x!í!í!írg,x-xh0d(#tkid -)
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>> colbert: welcome back, everybody. in my guest tonight is a prolific writer, director and star of the medea movies, please join me in saving hello to tyler perry! in saying hello to tyler perry! tyler, thanks so much. how you do, buddy, good to see you. >> we are very excited here, tyler perry, thank you for joining me on tyler perry stephen colbert's interview with tyler perry. >> i love it, i love it. >> colbert: you like at that naming things after yourself. >> absolutely. >> colbert: i do too, i got -- i got a treadmill on the space
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station named after me. do you have one of those? >> no, no. i haven't done that yet. >> colbert: i went in -- >> go ahead. >> colbert: thanks so much. now, you are on the forbes like celebrity power list, number 20, because you are a writer, a director, an actor, a producer, a playwright. it sounds like you haven't found your thing yet. what is next? spot welding? why so many things? >> i am just trained myself early on, i didn't have much money so i learned how to do all the jobs myself and i don't know how to let goyette. >> colbert: really? but where do you find the time for the writer, director, playwright and author, right? >> yes. >> colbert: probably most famous for playing medea. thank you for playing that role, there are far too many good roles for old black women.
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elderly african-american actresses have it too easy. by the way, who employs more african-american actors? you or everyone else in hollywood? >> i have got them beat, it is all me. >> colbert: really? >> it is all me. >> colbert: you have got a new movie coming out called alex cross. it is a little bit of a departure. >> yes. a little bit of a departure. >> colbert: let's depart. >> let me see your hands. let me see your hands. butt down the gun. put down the weapon now, do it now! >> is this what you want to die doing? drop the gun? put your hands behind your back now, sir!
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>> colbert: oh! it is really good. >> it is really good. >> colbert: is it a comedy? because it looked good. it looked super action y. >> the reason i ask because your movies can go all over the place. you are watching a ma dea movie and one last moment you are laughing and the next you are dealing with serious issues and there are heartrending human drama going at the same time. why do you stick the gun thing in a movie? >> i use the characters as me dema dea two, to make people laugh and talk about serious issues i think it is important when you are given this kind of platform to inspire and uplift them, that's what i try to do f i try to use the characters to make them laugh, relax a little bit and put the message in there. >> colbert: did you say you used ma dea as anesthesia?
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>> yeah, you heard it right. >> colbert: you are putting america under and you are operating on our souls. >> that is so great. >> colbert: okay. so now you are the big action star. let me ask you something. you are a job creator, right? >> yeah. >> colbert: you have got -- you are like buddy with oprah. >> yeah. >> colbert: like i am. >> yeah. >> colbert:. >> i saw the interview which was really great. >> colbert: i kind kind of her best friend. >> she tells me that all the time. i am playing a bad ass you may not want to tell me this stuff. >> colbert: buddy, oprah gave me a set of beautiful kitchen knives. yeah. so don't make me cut a tyler perry. okay. you pray and believe in faith. >> i do. >> colbert: so i assume as a man of prayer -- >> i am praying right now,
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actually. >> colbert: are you a romney guy? >> i have got to tell you, this is what i found, both of these debates have been absolutely amazing. mitt romney was amazing in the first one i think president obama was great last night. i am tired of it, actually, i am tired of debates and tired of all of the negative campaign let's just vote already, let's everybody just get out and vote and make it about -- get all of the education, get all of the information, learn as much as you can about the candidates and make your choices. >> colbert: there is one more debate, tyler. >> yeah, i know i have to sit through another. >> colbert: you know what would make that better? >> prayer. pray for the usa. shall we pray? >> colbert: yes. >> you lead. >> colbert: dear lord. >> dear lord, yes. >> colbert: please let this country. >> and our leader. >> colbert: and our leaders and let alex cross open huge in
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the box office. and please, lord, please, help me in thanking tyler perry for being here. thank you so much. thank you. tyler perry! alex cross! we will be right back.
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>> colbert: good night. >> from comedy central's world
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news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we're going to have a nice one for you tonight. from "the new york times" 538 block, statistician all-star nate silver will be joining us on the show. [cheering and applause] and then tomorrow night it's president barack obama. but still... [laughter] these people get to... [cheering and applause]


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